Hello all, it's been quite some time and much has happened since I last wrote, I will fill you in eventually but today I want to write about true beauty and what we as human beings perceive true beauty to be.
Well, when asked this question many of us think of the outward appearance of a person and yes this may be true to some extent, but true beauty is within. I have been told numerous times that I am beautiful but when I look in the mirror I don't see it, I don't see the beauty others see what I see are scares, bruises and so much pain. I see someone that is dying pretending she's alive and apparently I am really good at it because no one else sees what I see in that mirror, you see they see the outward appearance they don't see or maybe they just don't care to see what is really going on inside.
You see my husband left me 6 months ago, for another woman (hear him tell it he would say no, but the reality of it is he did) he is presently living with his girlfriend not too far from where we lived. Now if it was that he only left with another woman I don't think it would have been that bad but it's the way he crushed myself esteem that made it worse. So when all this happened I held on to God with all my might I didn't want to let go but little by little I became angry and bitter and I channeled all my anger and bitterness toward God I asked him how could he let something like this happen? He knew all the pain and suffering I had to endure from my past relationships, I thought all the pain was done I was supposed to live happily ever after ......not lol.
So what did I do you say I turned to social media I joined each one I could, Match.com, Badoo, Zooks, Twitter, and Facebook. Now FB I shutdown because it was too much drama (that's another blog for another time) the others well I kept them going for a while...so here it goes folks Match.com 560 men (after a week) want to meet me, Badoo 90 men (after two days) want to meet me, and Zooks 580 men (after less than a week) want to meet me, ooo and it gets better on Badoo I wound up with rewards after one day Hottest pics of the week, and most sought after person in less than 2 days. I was so souped really to think that I was considered beautiful (remember myself esteem is in the gutter) but these men all they saw was my outward beauty, very few saw what was happening on the inside. Last night I was speaking with a friend and he said to me that my pictures are beautiful but what he really saw was the pain in my eyes, he said "I see so much pain there and I know you have suffered much in your life"........Wow he could really see the scares unbelievable, I guess I can't hide from everyone lol, but you know something I believe God used him to speak to me, to let me know that I wasn't fooling Him (God). See God knows my pain, he knows what I am going through on the inside - (Psalms 139:13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb) so how can I hide from my Creator.
Today is my birthday and I woke up very emotional, lonely and empty go figure with all these men after me you would think I would feel great but no I don't you know why.....because the one that truly matters, the one that knit me in my mothers womb is the one that I should have been seeking His approval, He wants to tell me how beautiful I truly am, He sees my inward beauty the outside doesn't matter to Him. He has been yelling my name and I have been ignoring Him until today, when I finally heard His voice calling out to me. I have been taking it out on the wrong person, I have been seeking superficial gratification but when it's all said and done I am still left feeling scared, bruised, and with much pain, but you know something with every scar, bruise and pain there is a story and that story is meant to strengthen not weaken and it's with each bruise each scar and every pain that we become more and more beautiful why because we allow God our Creator to restore, rebuild, and renew us from the inside out.
So my friends when you see someone with outward beauty look a little deeper and see the true beauty that lies within. I finally learned that today.
May the Lord bless you and comfort you always.
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