Tuesday, March 22, 2016

AND.......BEGIN!!!!

I never thought I would find myself here....DIVORCED!!! = DIVIDED by FORCE.
Well, either which way I never thought it would be me, we were HAPPY, we were IN LOVE, we were INDESTRUCTIBLE, nothing could break us apart or so I thought. Here I am a year later still trying to pick up the pieces of my failed marriage. I was told so many things, Hold on to God, He has a plan, it is all going to work out for His Honor and Glory, Don't Loose Faith.....not what I wanted to hear at that moment.
Didn't they know that my world was just destroyed, my world was infiltrated by the enemy? I didn't think anyone really understood what was happening, how I felt, how I just wanted to DIE.....I even asked God to just KILL me, I didn't want to live anymore, but guess what He didn't listen.

When we are young we always dream about our Knight in shinning armor, our Prince Charming or for you guys your Princess, your Queen and then we grow up and we meet "THE ONE" you know the one that makes you smile even if they aren't around, or just the mere thought of them makes your heart skip a beat, you can't imagine life without that person, so you get married, you think to yourself well this is it, for better or for worse till death, you even promise each other that no matter what the word "DIVORCE" is never to be mentioned that word is just as bad as cursing. You are partners for life, there is nothing that could separate you two because your love is so strong. Then it happens you get comfortable, you take each other for granted, you forgot what it was that made you smile. Then you or your spouse start looking in another direction and one of you go astray seeking happiness elsewhere. Then the promise is broken, DIVORCE creeps in, your happily ever after has just become a nightmare.
You ask yourself What happened, where did we go wrong? You start to blame everyone even God. You ask God why did you allow this to happen, why did you bring this person into my life? God you  know all things so you knew this was going to happen. All the while you don't hear God when He tries to tell you, I LOVE YOU, YOU NEVER ASKED FOR MY HELP, YOU CHOSE FREE WILL OVER ME, YOU DIDN'T TRUST ME TO BRING YOU THROUGH THIS, YOU LOST FAITH, IT WILL ALL WORK OUT, I AM HERE FOR YOU, I AM HURTING WITH YOU, I AM YOUR HEALER......until finally one day you stop screaming and you sit silently and then you hear a whisper, you can't make out the words so you strain to hear and all of a sudden the voice is clear and you hear God, but now you have shame because you were so mad you made a mess of things (I left my home, my children, my grandchildren, my friends, I just left everything and everyone behind, I just wanted to run).
So you hear Him but you feel that you are beyond help, Here we go again right? Well, No!!! I am here to tell you that even in your mess God loves you, there is nothing you could do to make Him stop loving you. He is your healer and I know it's hard because you are hurting, I know that pain and yes you feel like just giving up but don't, I am learning to turn to God in every circumstance, it's not easy and I have a lot to learn, I have good days and I have bad days, but most of all God has given me PEACE, He is loving me beyond my pain, beyond my guilt and beyond my shame.
I know He is working in me pulling out all the anger, hurt, bitterness, and healing the brokenness. One day at a time that is all I can say, I know in my mind I am forgiven, I just have to believe it in my heart.
My marriage failed but that doesn't make me a failure, I know we didn't seek God wholeheartedly, we chose to just give up, we relied on our own strength instead of God's strength, we didn't stop to listen, we didn't pray separately and together. We entertained the enemy, but that doesn't make us bad people. I know I have learned a lot on this journey and I know it's only the beginning there is a lot more healing and breaking that needs to be done. This will make me stronger and wiser. I am not perfect and I know now God doesn't expect me to be, all He wants is my obedience, for me to love and trust Him fully. I am not there completely but Praise God I getting there.
So yes, God will be Glorified not matter what, and I know with every tear I cry He cries along with me. I am not alone.
Today I wear a wedding band as a promise to God that I am His completely and the day I take it off it's because the man that God has chosen for me will replace it.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Psalm 125:1 Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.
2 Kings 17:14 But they would not listen and were as stiff-necked as their ancestors, who did not trust in the Lord their God.
Psalm 25:1 In you, Lord my God, I put my trust.
Psalm 84:12 Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.
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I pray you have been blessed by my journey which is not over......THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

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